The Relationship SCALE (Smile, Connect, Ask, Listen, Engage) is a helpful frame to remind us to focus and scaffold how to actively create positive interactions. It represents simple but powerful intentions and practices to consciously build flourishing relationships, so that we are not just leaving them to chance. Maureen Gaffney’s research outlines that, due to the stickability of the negative, an average relationship needs a ratio of 3:1 positive to negative interactions; a flourishing one that we hope to foster needs 5:1. Check out Maureen Gaffney’s TED for her reflections on how powerful our inner dialogue can be and how important it is to focus on the positive.
The Relationship SCALE helps us to facilitate the 5:1 ratio and reminds us to be proactive, to focus on and create what we want instead of constantly noticing the negative impact of what we don’t want! It reminds us of the action required to follow through on what we already know, that relationships are at the heart of teaching and learning.


Top Tips 5:1


  1. Set your intention at the beginning of each day/class - how do you want to feel/be?
  2. Seek opportunities to smile with a specific student/colleague.
  3. Send a colleague a thank you email/post it note.
  4. Share two positives before you share a negative - invite students to do the same.
  5. Ask "what happened?" instead of "why?".
  6. If you have a problem - invite the person with the problem to consider/share if they have any ideas about how they/you/we can solve it.
  7. Take a mindful minute at the beginning of every class/day (begin with a focussing activity to enable this).
  8. Tap into and share your own personal scripts.
  9. Introduce a talking piece and do an energy check in/out.
  10. 'Love Bomb' someone that you are having problems with.
  11. Send home a good note/call.
  12. Express gratitude at the end of every school day.
  13. Give yourself a compliment/celebrate and acknowledge something that is going well each day.
  14. When in conflict, consider and share your intention to connect/find a solution/work together etc.
  15. Listen with your ears/body/heart - active and deep listening enables us to be present for others.


When using the Relationship SCALE, the intention is always to turn towards one another, to CONNECT, to move towards love instead of fear when faced with challenge as illustrated in this image called ‘Love,’ by Ukrainian sculptor Alexander Milov at Burning Man illustrates.


Wishing you all the very best for this school year and remember, as the amazing Rita Pierson tells us in her TED talk Every Kid Needs a Champion!

By Michelle Stowe January 25, 2024
Restorative Practice Myth Buster Series Part 2
By Michelle Stowe January 18, 2024
Restorative Practice Myth Buster Series Part 1
By Michelle Stowe September 26, 2023
Relationships First is the RP model used by one of my mentors and dear friend from Newfound Land, dr. dorothy vaandering. I love the simplicity of this overarching intention. It is a wonderful compass to guide all that we do in schools - from our relationship with learning, the relationship between our school improvement plans and the people they seek to serve, the connection between colleagues, amongst students, and amidst our school communities- Relationships First! What might this look like in practice? Connection Before Curriculum in Our Classrooms! It could be as simple as connection before curriculum, especially important at the start of the school year when we may be trying to hotwire connection and create some safety and belonging with new students. I’m so very proud of our RP Student Mentor - Be Here, Be You, Belong programme that many of our schools began this academic school year with - seeing images on social media of the connection and relational space the senior students built for incoming first years brings me so much joy.. Dorothy also stretched my thinking around Relationships First further when she suggested that we not only connect before but connect through curriculum - I loved this reframe. Facilitating students to identify their personal scripts through stories they encounter in English class, or perhaps allowing students to see themselves in mathematical equations using relatable data, or using academic prompts such as ‘What was your favourite part / the part you struggled with the most in today’s lesson?’ are as important as using relational one-word-whizz check-ins at the beginning of class. (you’ll see our one-word-whizz series if you follow Connect RP on social media). Bringing restorative language and relational thinking into the classroom by inviting students to use the restorative questions to unpack the subtext of a character or to guide an introspective diary entry of a character in English class to explore the past-present-future grammatical tenses in a language classroom, are just a few ways to foster connection through our curriculum. I love learning from teachers about the many other ways they may seek to do this in their classrooms. Looking at the relationship between what we learn and how we learn - focussing on our relational pedagogy is key! One of my favourite parts of the face to face workshops we deliver is modelling relational pedagogy while learning about RP - but of course we can apply such methodologies while learning about volcanoes or photosynthesis too. It is paramount when nurturing a restorative classroom or indeed school, we look at developing methodologies and whole school preferred relational practices that acknowledge the importance and impact of process - the relationship between how we learn on what we learn. If you would like to know more and engage in an actual experience of this you can check out a list of the workshops, dates and venues on offer this year on our website workshops page here